


So Let Me Down Softly This Time

by benicemurphy



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort/Angst, Complicated Relationships, Demisexual Haru, M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Pining, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-08-07 04:44:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16401548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/benicemurphy/pseuds/benicemurphy
Summary: As graduation approaches, Haru is the happiest he's ever been. He has goals, a future, and the love of his life all to himself....Right?





	So Let Me Down Softly This Time

“Makoto,” he breathed, overwhelmed by the pleasure he felt with his best friend above him, thrusting into him. As he gazed up into the gentle green eyes that he loved so well, he found a similar affection reflected back at him. This was the nature of their love-making. It was always sweet and sensual, reflecting the depth of their care for each other, emphasizing the bond they had shared for nearly their entire lives.

“Haru,” Makoto whispered in return, “you're so beautiful.” He leaned down and captured Haru's lips in a tender kiss, so pure Haru could feel his heart somersault in his chest. He would never get used to this. Every fiber of his being yearned for Makoto. He had loved him for so long, and only a few short months ago they finally came together. There was no big confession or discussion of feelings. There was only a kiss, and then a few months after that, their first time. Since then, Haru had felt complete.

With a few more thrusts, they spilled over the edge together, as months of practice had taught them to do.

Makoto lowered himself so that he was resting on Haru's chest, and Haru began to absentmindedly run his fingers through his soft, fluffy locks. With a contented sigh, he turned to kiss his boyfriend’s forehead, and then allowed himself to drift off under the comforting weight, falling into a satisfied, dreamless sleep.

________________

When he awoke the next morning, Makoto wasn’t there, but Haru wasn’t alarmed. Makoto had a family to go home to, and they wouldn’t appreciate him spending all of his nights with Haru. Usually, Makoto woke him to kiss him goodbye before he left, but sometimes Haru couldn’t be shaken awake for anything.

Feeling mildly disappointed that he wasn’t able to see Makoto off, and then mildly guilty when he realized Makoto had taken the liberty of cleaning him up as he slept (again), he sought comfort in his bathtub. The warm water helped to ease his sore backside. Although Makoto was thorough in ensuring he never hurt him, the stretch always left him slightly sore the next day. Haru smiled thinking about it. His best friend’s giant heart wasn’t the only thing about him that was huge.

He soaked for a while, waiting for Makoto to retrieve him as he always did. They would be graduating soon, and they couldn’t keep up this routine in Tokyo. He wanted to relish it for as long as possible.

Haru was certain that things would change once they moved. He had fantasized about the two of them living together, but since Makoto had made his decision much sooner than Haru had, he had already signed a lease by the time Haru was ready to search for an apartment. He also fantasized about telling their loved ones about their relationship. Usually, he wasn’t one to share his personal business, but it felt wrong to keep something so important from their friends and families. They hadn’t explicitly decided not to tell anyone, but it was implied when they began their physical relationship. After all, they hadn’t mentioned it to anyone in the five months between their first kiss and their first time — why start then?

It was at that point in his thoughts that he was brought back to reality by the sliding of his bathroom door and the cheerful “I'm coming in!” spoken in his boyfriend’s tenor voice. He came up for air and shook out his hair, smiling up at the sweet face before him.

“Good morning, Haru-chan.”

Haru simply returned his smile and allowed himself to be pulled from the bath. He didn’t mind the nickname so much anymore now that they were lovers.

________________

The days passed happily for Haru. It was new, feeling so happy all the time, but ever since he had made his decision to keep swimming and move to Tokyo to be with Makoto, everything in his life just felt right. Finally, after so many years of pain and guilt and misery, things had fallen into place.

The week came and went, and then it was Friday, and as usual, Haru was set to go to Makoto’s house for the night. The twins would be over at a friend’s house, and Makoto’s parents would be out for their anniversary, meaning the two boys would have a rare night to themselves in the Tachibana household. For obvious reasons, they spent most of their intimate time together at Haru’s house, but Haru loved being able to feel close to Makoto in the other boy’s room, too. Of course, he loved all of their Friday nights, even the ones spent playing house and cleaning up after the twins. The Tachibanas were his second family, and would someday, he hoped, be his family by law.

Unfortunately, they still had the rest of the school day to get through before any of that could happen.

When they were dismissed for lunch, Haru hung back to finish the outline of a sketch he had started during their last class. Normally it wouldn’t matter, but it was a particularly good rendering of Makoto swimming backstroke, and he wanted to finish it so that he could color and frame it as a gift for Makoto to put up in his new apartment in Tokyo. Fifteen minutes later, he wrapped up and headed to the roof to meet the rest of the swim club for lunch.

As he approached the door to the roof, he could already hear Nagisa’s voice coming from the other side. He shook his head in exasperation; really, that kid had matured so much over the last two years, but he was still as loud as ever.

“So go out with her then!” he was saying to someone. Haru’s step faltered, and he found himself frozen with one foot hovering above the top stair.

“Nagisa…” he heard Makoto sigh. Of course, Makoto would be the one trying to get Nagisa off of whatever matchmaker kick he was on now.

“Mako-chan, she’s smart, beautiful, and interesting. She speaks three languages! What’s not to like?”

Haru felt his heart speed up. He knew he had nothing to worry about, of course, but that didn’t mean he liked it when other people went after Makoto.

“I’m not interested,” Makoto replied. Haru let out a sigh of relief.

“Why not? Do you have a secret girlfriend we don’t know about?”

Haru chuckled to himself and allowed himself to finish his journey to the roof.

“No, I don’t have a girlfriend,” Makoto laughed. Naturally, they were on the same page. It wasn’t even a lie — he didn’t have a _girlfriend_ , after all.

“So, what then? A secret boyfriend?”

Well, this was it. Their secret was out. It’s not like they had _meant_ to keep it a secret, they just sort of… did.

“No, Nagisa,” Makoto sighed, “no boyfriend either.”

Haru froze in the middle of swinging the door open. No boyfriend? Why did Makoto say that? Was he that dedicated to keeping their relationship a secret? He had to know that Haru really didn’t mind if the others knew.

But maybe… maybe they really _weren’t_ in a relationship after all. They had never talked about it. Maybe they were just fooling around. Friends did that sometimes, right? Maybe Makoto just needed someone to blow off steam with. But their love-making — or maybe it was just sex — always felt so passionate and loving. Then again, maybe Haru was just delusional. It wouldn’t be the first time he had mistaken someone’s motives and feelings for him.

He must have paused for too long half in and half out of door, because he heard Rei’s voice calling out to him then.

“Haruka-senpai? What are you doing? Come join us.”

Like a robot, he felt himself move mechanically. He heard the door shut behind him and the sound of his own footsteps as he took his usual place next to Makoto. He heard himself unzip his bag and pull out his bento, the rustling of the cloth as it unraveled, the snap of the lid, the clacking of his chopsticks against the plastic. He heard it all, but he saw and felt and tasted nothing. It seemed like the only sense he had left was his hearing as the conversation continued to bounce around in his head.

“So if you’re not in a secret relationship, why won’t you date anyone? Are you asexual?”

“I’m not asexual.”

“How would you know? If you’ve never been attracted to anyone, maybe you’re asexual.”

“I’ve been attracted to people!”

_People._

“Oh Mako-chan, you’re so virginal.” Nagisa shook his head in what seemed like a fond gesture.

Makoto’s face flamed red in an instant, and he squeaked out a small, nearly inaudible, “Not really.”

Then things got really out of hand as Nagisa questioned Makoto about who he had been with and why they hadn’t been told something so important about his friend’s life, while Rei tried to remind Nagisa that it was none of their business and Makoto had the right to his privacy.

“Mako-chan, if you’re not in a relationship, then seriously, who are you sleeping with? I really didn’t think you were the one-night-stand type of guy.”

Distantly, Haru thought Nagisa sounded concerned. Of course he was concerned, why wouldn’t he be? Haru was concerned, too. Makoto had been with other people? That wasn’t something he had ever expected. But Makoto didn’t think they were in a relationship, either, so he could do whatever he wanted.

How the hell was Haru supposed to take that? How could he have been so wrong for so long?

“It’s not really anyone’s business but mine and theirs,” Makoto said with a tone of finality, and that was that.

Once Rei mercifully changed the subject, the rest of the group went on to discuss whatever else was on their minds, but Haru could only think of one thing:

_Theirs._

________________

Haru didn’t even notice as the rest of their afternoon lessons went by. He was too busy trying to figure out when everything had gone so completely wrong.

Not only were they _not_ in a relationship, but it was entirely possible that Makoto was seeing other people. The thought made his chest cave in until it felt like there was nothing but a black hole left where his heart once was.

He wondered if Makoto could tell that he was spiraling. He wondered if Makoto was paying any attention to him at all. Maybe there was someone else in the class who had seen Makoto the way that Haru had, the way he thought only he would, hopefully for the rest of their lives. Haru had never been attracted to anyone but Makoto, had never even had so much as a crush on anyone but Makoto. They were impossibly close. How could Makoto possibly be so close with anyone else? Surely, Haru would have noticed someone like that?

When the final bell chimed, he put his things away on autopilot. He hadn’t taken any notes. He had just stared at the drawing of Makoto, wishing he hadn’t been so naive as to think that he could possibly be enough for someone as beautiful and amazing as Makoto.

Makoto smiled at him as they got up to leave, and he felt his body go numb. He was familiar with the feeling. It was how he had learned to defend himself: numb everything and shut everyone out. If nothing could get in, if he couldn’t feel anything, then nothing could hurt. By sheer force of habit, he fell into step beside Makoto and allowed himself to be led all the way home. Makoto talked, but Haru had no idea what he was saying. It was only once they reached Makoto’s house and stepped inside that he was brought back to awareness.

He toed off his shoes and stepped into his designated house slippers, which Makoto had gotten for him because he spent so much time at the Tachibana home. He dropped his bag at the entryway and hung his coat before following Makoto to his room. The twins had gone straight to their friend’s house after school, and his parents had taken off of work to spend the entire day and night together — it was their twentieth anniversary, and they wanted to make it special. Even with his head in a fog, Haru knew where this was headed.

It started as it usually did, with Makoto taking Haru into his arms and kissing him slowly and sweetly. Haru sighed into the kiss. It still felt just as wonderful as it always did. As they progressed, Haru thought that maybe he could still do this; maybe it didn’t matter that they weren’t _together_ together, because the outcome was the same. He was still able to kiss Makoto, hold him, spend time with him, make love to him. Why did that need to change just because there was no relationship?

He allowed himself to be lost in the sensations, willed himself to feel the bliss that he did every time he became intimate with the love of his life. For a little while, it worked. All he could feel was Makoto, over him, around him, inside him. He felt the familiar sense of passion and affection take over, and he found himself hit with an intense urge to put his feelings into words. They had never said it before; in all of the months they were together, they had never uttered the three words that Haru felt so deeply in his heart.

He gazed up into Makoto’s eyes and parted his lips. The words had almost slipped off of his tongue when he was suddenly seized with a profound feeling of terror.

His body immediately went rigid. He had almost told Makoto that he loved him. In all of the time they had been together… no, they _weren’t_ together. That was precisely _why_ they had never said it, wasn’t it? Haru had been waiting for the right time, and he had assumed that Makoto had felt the same. It was only in that moment that he realized that the reason they had never said it was because Makoto probably didn’t feel it. Maybe Makoto _liked_ him, _cared_ for him, and was _attracted_ to him, but he wasn’t in _love_ with him.

The black hole sprang back up in his chest with a vengeance, sucking in all of the dreadful feelings that Haru was trying so hard to hold back. He thought about his birthday when he had told Makoto that he was going with him to Tokyo, and Makoto had kissed him for the first time. He thought of all of the time they spent together over the next five months, planning for their futures. He thought of Makoto’s birthday, when they had taken the next big step and made love for the first time. The pain buried him. How could he have been so _stupid_?

Makoto noticed his tension and stopped moving at once.

“Haru?” he questioned, concern apparent on his face. “Are you okay?”

Haru was terrified of what he had almost said. How would Makoto have responded? He had made it very clear at lunch that this was just sex, that there was no relationship. Surely, Makoto didn’t want to be burdened with his feelings now, just as they were about to move to another city together. He was even more terrified then _because_ he was terrified to tell Makoto he loved him. Up until a few hours ago, it had been a given. He would have been elated to finally say the words that had taken up residence in his heart so many years ago. The fact that he now had to hold himself back from his best friend hurt like nothing he had ever felt before.

“No,” Haru choked out. “I’m — stop. Take it out.”

Makoto did has he was told. He was clearly alarmed as he immediately began to apologize. “I’m so sorry if I hurt you, Haru! I knew I should have prepped you more, it was too fast, I’m so sorry, we can stop—”

“You didn’t hurt me,” Haru replied, his head reeling. “Just get off. I can’t — I don’t want this.”

Makoto leapt back as if he had been shocked, and for the look on his face, it would have seemed like he really had.

“Oh god!” he cried. “Haru, I’m _so_ sorry. Oh god. I didn’t mean to force you into anything! What have I done, oh _god_ —”

“Stop. You didn’t force me into anything.” The look of pain on Makoto’s face was too much for him, and he knew he had to set things straight before he could leave. “I thought I wanted this, but I don’t. I can’t do it.”

He made to get up but Makoto lurched forward, putting out a hand to stop him before thinking better of it and withdrawing it to his side.

“Okay,” Makoto breathed, his panic still evident though somewhat subsided. “That’s okay, we can just play video games or something, okay? Just, stay, please.”

Haru wanted to be there for Makoto. He knew that this was coming on very suddenly for him, and if he left, Makoto would probably never know why. He wanted to stay, but he just couldn’t stand to be there anymore. His eyes stung with tears he hadn’t cried since he was a child, and he refused to let them go in front of Makoto. Everything hurt, and he could feel the numbness creeping back. He wished things were different. He wished he hadn’t assumed they were together. He wished Makoto had. He wished he wanted to stay and be with the person he loved. He wished his heart hadn’t shattered into dust.

He wanted to be home before he lost himself completely.

“I have to go,” he said as he dressed, and then he sprinted down the stairs and out the door, pausing only to fling off his slippers and grab his shoes and bag. He took the steps two at a time to his own house, the cold stinging his bare feet, and slammed the door shut behind him once he made it inside.

All at once his body began to shake, and he sank to the ground and allowed himself to become hollow.

________________

He didn’t know how long he sat there as he blanked his thoughts. When he finally came out of himself, the sky had long since darkened, and his mind and body were numb. He stood and shook the blood back into his legs, then locked his door and trudged up the stairs to bring in the spare key and lock the back door. It was a clear signal to the only person who ever used it — “ _I don’t want to talk to you._ ”

Haru had no idea what he was supposed to do. Makoto was his everything. He was his best friend, his study partner, his confidant, his inspiration, his motivation, his heart. He was his past, his present, and his future. He knew that he could go back to Makoto if he chose to, and Makoto would accept him with open arms. If he told Makoto he never wanted to touch him ever again, he would smile and say, “Okay Haru, want to go swimming?” or some other ridiculously considerate thing. Makoto was _perfect_ , and that was exactly why he didn’t think he could go back. Not now, anyway.

Too exhausted to do anything, he stripped his clothes and crawled into bed. He hoped that when he woke up, things would be better.

________________

Things were not better.

In the morning, he forced himself to get up long enough to drag himself to the bath, which was where he spent the rest of the day. A few times he heard knocking on the front door, and once he heard the rattle of someone trying to get in through the back, but he never stirred from his place in the water. He needed it. He didn’t have anything else.

When he finally got out sometime in the afternoon because his stomach demanded food, he trudged to the kitchen to prepare some mackerel and heard his phone vibrating where it was plugged in. He took it off the charger and didn’t even bother to look at it. He knew who it was. It was either Makoto begging to know if he was okay (no), Nagisa begging him to tell him why he was avoiding Makoto (no), or Rin calling to yell at him and demand he talk to Makoto (no). The next time it vibrated, he turned it off altogether.

The food he had in his refrigerator lasted him through Monday. On Monday morning, he called the school to let them know that he was sick and wouldn’t be able to make it. It was a lie, but he didn’t care. He wouldn’t have paid attention anyway, and staying home meant he didn’t have to answer any bothersome questions or endure anyone touching him or expecting anything of him.

On Tuesday, he called again to tell them that he was extremely sick and likely wouldn’t make it for the rest of the week. Since he was also out of food, he figured the best thing to do would be to buy groceries while everyone was in school to avoid running into anyone. He wished he hadn’t left his jacket at Makoto’s.

On Wednesday, he cleaned his house.

On Thursday, he cried. He had held it in from the time he left Makoto’s house on Friday, keeping himself closed off and numb to the world, but eventually it had to spill over. He sat in his bathtub and let the tears fall. He tried not to think, but it was impossible. He missed Makoto so much. Mostly, he missed the happiness he felt for the eight months he thought they were together.

On Friday, he pulled himself together. He bandaged his bruised emotions and locked them up where they were safe. He was tired of being let down and taken advantage of. He was tired of letting people get close just to end up getting hurt. He patched up his invisible armor, ensuring that this time, he would be closed off for good. He would be alone, just like it always should have been.

________________

By the time he needed to shop again on Saturday morning, he hadn’t seen or spoken to anyone in over a week. He turned on his phone to check if his parents had tried to reach him at any point, but upon finding they hadn’t, immediately turned it off again even as it rang in his hand.

When he was finally ready to leave, he was stopped outside his door by the sight of a sleeping figure. His heart clenched painfully before he steeled himself and stepped over the boy at his feet. He didn’t know how long Makoto had been sleeping on his doorstep, but it didn’t matter. He was just going out to get food, and nothing else.

He prayed on his way home that Makoto would have gotten out of the cold and gone home. Aside from his concern for his health, he still didn’t think he could face him. He was too in love with him, and it hurt too much to realize that what he thought had been a given had been nothing more than a naive mistake.

He should have known it was too much to ask for.

As he approached the house, he found Makoto bundled up by his front door, wide awake and watching him with sorrow in his eyes. Haru didn’t know what to do. He could try to walk past him and shut him out, but he knew Makoto wouldn’t let him get away so easily. However, with no other options, he guessed there was nothing left to do but try.

He fidgeted with the key and attempted to unlock to door as Makoto spoke.

“Haru, what happened?” he tried, though he seemed to understand that Haru wasn’t going to speak. What he didn’t understand was that even if Haru had wanted to, he wouldn’t have been able to speak. He couldn’t do anything at that moment except try to get the damn key in the damn door before his resolve totally crumbled and he was left a heaping mess on the floor again.

“Please, Haru,” he said. “I miss you so much. Please tell me what I did.”

Haru sighed. _You didn’t do anything, you idiot_ , he thought. _This is my fault._ Rather than saying that, though, he just dropped his arm to his side, giving up the fight with the house key as a lost cause.

“I can’t fix it if I don’t know what’s wrong,” Makoto whispered. Haru could hear his own pain reflected in the words. He knew why Makoto was in pain, and he hated it. He never wanted to cause his best friend pain. He just wanted to be enough for him.

“I don’t want you to fix it,” he murmured in return. “I want it to have never been broken in the first place.”

________________

Going back to school was hard. He was immediately cornered by the three second years, who demanded to know first if he was alright, and then how he had the nerve to disappear for a week without so much as a word to let someone know he was okay.

“Makoto-senpai has been a wreck!” Gou scolded. “He’s been worried sick about you. We all tried to call.”

“What’s going on, Haru-chan?” came Nagisa’s hurt and bewildered query.

“Haruka-senpai, I must admit that your behavior this week has been unbecoming. We all care for you greatly, and Makoto-senpai—”

“Drop it,” Haru said, his voice dangerously low.

They all stopped talking at once, Rei’s and Gou’s eyes narrowing in disapproval as Nagisa just continued to look like a kicked puppy.

“I’m not discussing this. It’s my business and mine alone. Excuse me.” With that, he strode off to his classroom and unceremoniously plopped himself into his chair beside Makoto, where out of the corner of his eye he found his best friend and former lover sitting tense and confused beside him, not daring to look over and accidentally start another fight that he wouldn’t understand.

Lunch was a bleak affair. The three second years tried their best to make lighthearted conversation, but with neither Haru nor Makoto so much as pretending to pay attention, they eventually gave up and ate their lunches in silence.

After school, Makoto got up and shuffled out the door dejectedly without Haru, and Haru knew it was because Makoto didn’t expect him to follow anymore. Somehow, Makoto knew that things were beyond repair this time.

At home, Haru tried to focus on the assignments from the week of classes he had missed, but it was proving to be too daunting of a task without his study buddy and motivator there to help him through it. He briefly considered picking up the phone to call and hear his voice, but he didn’t. It wouldn’t help anything, anyway. It would probably only make things worse.

________________

Another week passed, and things only got worse. Haru’s heart had hardened, and with it, his exterior. Makoto only looked worse and worse for wear as the days passed, and Haru tried with all his might not to let the guilt eat at him.

He was _angry_. If anyone should feel broken and rejected, it was _him_. What right did Makoto have to look so downtrodden when he was the one who had decided that what they had wasn’t worth the trouble of a relationship in the first place? He was angry with Makoto for rejecting him, and for not even realizing that he had done so, and he was angry with himself for becoming a fool who loved someone who did not reciprocate, and for continuing to hurt the one person who meant more to him than anyone or anything in the world.

The separation was becoming unbearable. It was like a breakup, or so Haru thought, but worse, because it was with the only person he would ever love and his lifelong best friend all at once. His misery was all-consuming, and he did nothing anymore but stew in his own poisonous thoughts. 

He craved Makoto’s attention and affection. He craved the love he thought he had known, and without it he only grew lonelier and lonelier.

________________

When Makoto ambushed him again, it was on a Friday night when they should have been together. Haru was sitting alone on his back porch with his eyes to the stars and a thick blanket around his shoulders, barely keeping himself together. He was lost somewhere deep inside his own mind, as had been his default for the past few weeks. He was so far gone that he didn't notice Makoto approaching until he was already beside him with a firm grasp on his hand.

Haru nearly jumped out of his skin at the unexpected presence, his heart immediately kicking into overdrive from the surprise of his late night visitor. When he registered the familiar warmth around his hand, all of the work he had done to harden himself and hold it together melted away. He was unable to hold back a jagged sob, but he did not pull his hand away. He had no idea if he would ever feel that hand again, and he wanted to remember the feeling for as long as possible. Even if he had wanted to leave, Makoto’s grip was unbreakable. Instead, he sobbed. He didn’t have the strength anymore to hold it in, didn’t _want_ to hold it in, not while Makoto was there next to him and he missed him so, so much.

He sobbed until his body shook and his throat felt raw and his eyes felt swollen. He gripped the hand that held his tightly in return, afraid to let go, that Makoto would leave him and then he really _would_ be alone. He clutched it so tightly that he was sure Makoto probably couldn’t even feel it anymore, but he didn’t leave. He stayed and held his hand through it all. 

When it was over and Haru’s sobs had subsided, Makoto dared to withdraw his hand, only to wrap the same arm around Haru’s waist a moment later and pull him close to his side. Haru allowed himself to rest his head on Makoto’s shoulder as he sniffled, still not quite recovered from his breakdown.

Quietly, Makoto finally broke the weeks-long cold war and said, in a voice so full of hurt and regret that Haru nearly burst into tears all over again, “Please don’t run away anymore, Haru-chan. Please don’t lock me out. I don’t know what happened, but if it was something I did, I’ll never do it again.”

Haru sniffled again, unsure what to say, so he settled for the truth.

“I miss you so much,” he whispered.

“I miss you, too," came the tender reply. “Haru, I need to know what’s going on with you.”

After the beating his heart had taken over the past few weeks, Haru didn’t have any fight left in him to refuse Makoto. If Makoto were to turn him away now, it couldn’t possibly be worse than the suffering he felt when he was too scared to tell his friend he loved him, or when he saw the wounded looks on Makoto’s face as he spent weeks trying to make sense of Haru’s behavior. Whatever hurt he might feel at a possible rejection now would pale in comparison to the guilt he felt for hurting Makoto.

“How many other people have you slept with?” he blurted out. It wasn’t the most tactful of questions, but he needed to know. He needed to understand why he wasn’t enough. 

Makoto, to Haru’s great annoyance, had the gall to look thunderstruck by the question.

“What are you talking about?” he asked, bewilderment and hurt mingling together in his voice. 

“Don't avoid the question,” Haru snapped.

Makoto’s face hardened as he hissed, “None, Haru. Zero. I haven’t been with anyone but you.”

Haru trained his eyes on the ground in front of him. “You told Nagisa that you weren’t in a relationship. You said you were attracted to _people_ , and that who you slept with was between you and _them_. You made it clear that we were never together. You had every right to be with other people.”

At that Makoto spun Haru to face him and gripped both of his shoulders tightly.

“I have been attracted to other people, Haru. Of course I have. But since all of—” he gestured between the two of them “—this started, I haven’t so much as looked at anyone else. It’s only you for me.”

Haru swallowed. “Then why—” He choked on the words as they tried to come out and had to clear his throat before he could start again. “Why did you reject me? Why did you say we were nothing?”

“I never said we were nothing!” Makoto cried in exasperation. “But we never talked about it! One day we kissed, and then we were kissing a lot, and then we were having sex, and we never once talked about it! How was I supposed to know what you were thinking? Was I just supposed to assume we were in a relationship? That's ridiculous!”

“I did,” Haru muttered, his voice barely above a whisper. “From the first time we kissed.”

Makoto sucked in a breath and loosened his hold on Haru’s shoulders, which Haru took as a signal to go on. 

“I've never been attracted to anyone else. It has only _ever_ been you for me,” he finished.

There was a beat of silence, during which Makoto released his grip on Haru’s shoulders and dropped his hands to his lap. Haru could feel the emotion welling up inside him again. He should have expected as much. Even if Makoto hadn’t been with anyone else, it didn’t mean he was ready for anything like this. To tell Makoto that there had never been anyone else also implied that there never would be, and Haru knew that from the moment he said it.

He shrunk into himself, ready to be dealt the final blow. Makoto was happy he was going to Tokyo, but he didn’t want that kind of commitment. Makoto had a future to think about… a future that didn’t require Haru the way Haru’s future required Makoto.

“Haru…” Makoto began. He seemed like he was struggling to find the right words, but Haru wished he would just spit it out. Prolonging the inevitable only made the heartbreak worse. “Haru, I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong impression before.”

_Here it comes._

“I didn’t realize you felt that way.”

_Just put me out of my misery already._

“When I said those things to Nagisa, I thought it would be in your best interest if people didn’t know about us.”

_Because you don’t love me and this was never meant to last._

“If I had known how much you were hurting, I would never have initiated anything the last time we were together.”

_You should have just broken it off then and there like I tried to do._

“But I really need you to know…”

Haru drew in a long, stabilizing breath. He hoped that once Makoto was finished tearing down what was left of his heart and dignity, he would leave and let Haru could go back to being alone.

“I don’t want to be with anyone else.”

_Wait._

_What?_

“Being with you in this way has made me so happy, Haru-chan. You’re my best friend and the most important person in the world to me. There could never be anyone else like you. You are everything to me.”

All at once, Haru broke down again. It was too much. He was too tired to keep anything in, and his emotions were running haywire. He didn’t even know _why_ he was crying. Maybe he was happy that Makoto felt the same way, relieved that he wouldn’t have to face his future alone, angry that he’d had to go through so much pain, grieving for the time they needlessly spent apart, or any other multitude of reasons. Maybe it was all of them at once. All he knew was that he could never go through this again, and he needed Makoto more than he needed water.

“Promise me, Makoto,” he sobbed. “Promise you won’t leave me.”

“I’ll never leave you, Haru-chan. I’ll never let you go.”

“ _Promise_ me!”

Makoto smiled softly and wrapped Haru in his arms, holding him tightly to his chest and running his long fingers through Haru’s silky hair. “I promise,” he whispered, and as he sealed the promise with a kiss, Haru knew that he meant it.


End file.
